I have been feeling tired physically and mentally in the past week. Today I finally collapsed that I desperately needed a break. This would be good because I could feel myself being re-energized and refreshed - having a sneezing nose for weeks, today I made the least sneezes with just less than ten up till now. It's a record. It's a good sign! Bless me!
I used to think a lot. I thought of human relationships. I thought of what I really looked for in my life. I thought of how mean the rules of earning a living was in this capitalistic, utilitarian and hierarchical society, and how helpless I was that I could only learn the rules and follow them in order not to be kicked out and survive. Two years passed after the graduation, I began to learn to be a "qualified" player under the merely changeable institution. I began to appreciate the "art" of networking. I began to work very hard to fulfill the day-to-day operation requirement. I began to prefer compromise to firming my stand point. Now I am fear of ruining a relationship. I am fear of not performing best suitably for anyone, anything. I am now trying to cope with the game rules that I used to challenge and suspect. More, I somehow starts to agree with it.
I become less critical and, gradually, I find myself think less. Sometimes I'm even not able to think. It malfunctions!
A time of silence thus becomes very, very crucial. It is a moment which I can clean up and restate my mind. I find myself back by a getaway. Even a one-day break helps me to relieve from the non-stoppable and busy life. Some people like to be drawn in such kind of life style, but I just can't stand with it if I don't even have a few minutes to re-think why I need to bear all of these.
Well, I'm okay. I love my job. I love my family. I love my boyfriend and I love to be embraced by my all-time lovable buddies. It's just a matter that I need a couple of silence or idle time. Being idled is no evil! And I'm pretty sure that I will be in a good shape and work more efficiently after the recharge!
By the way, I really miss my buddies. I can't wait to see you again. Yes, you you you.
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2 comments:
Ry, I understand what you are going through right now - I am now working full day on Monday and Wednesday and with Uni full on. It's just very very exhausting. But I am still very glad that I chose to do it that way. Because work makes me appreciate uni more than I used to be. Everytime that I goes back to uni - which is, Tuesday and Thursday, it feels like vacation. There is input to make me feel alive again. There is sharing of ideas that stimulate thinking. I don't think I can ever live without knowing that I can go back to uni. (which is the major reason that I am striving my best to get very good results so I can further on with studies :P) I know you probably would think that working as a student is nothing serious, and I wish this is true. Because I feel really sick of pushing the others while I am being pushed - it feels like I am transfering my burden to the others... sadly this is what I have to do. Anyway, it's not that I don't like my job. I like the experience, but working as part of a consultant firm may not be why I am studying urban planning. I will talk to you more when we have the chance to sit down and breath!
ha, kary; a bit sentimental here but you know what....all of us at this similar ages are thinking about similar stuff. confused? upset? happy? it's just an emotional roller-coaster that we are on. too many questions bombarding us, it's tough and it's life. cynthy
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